How to Say No to the Urgent But Not Important

Some things are urgent.¹ Some are important. Some are both. Some are neither. As you consider these possibilities, it’s pretty clear that you want to invest yourself into what’s important—not just what’s urgent.

That’s not so hard for things that are neither urgent nor important. They’re not significant like they would be if they were important. They also don’t press on you like they would if they were urgent. So, such things can—and should—fall by the wayside pretty easily.

But the same isn’t true for unimportant things that are still urgent. It’s these things that particularly press for more attention than they’re worth. And it’s these things that require you to develop the skill of saying “no” well.

Saying “No” Isn’t an End in Itself

Of course, saying “no” isn’t an end in itself. Your goal shouldn’t be to have the most curmudgeonly, miserly disposition possible. That’s not what saying “no” well is about.

Saying “no” well stems from a recognition that “yes” and “no” are inevitably intertwined. “No” entails and enables “yes”; “yes” invites and requires “no.”

Even if you say “yes” to something, that very “yes” also means saying “no” to something else. The key is neither to avoid nor to perpetually be saying “no.” Rather, it’s to say “no”

• at the right times,
• to the right things, and
• in the right ways.

Doing so will support the important things that you really need and want to say “yes” to.

As you identify what these important things are, certain questions can prove helpful. But even when you identify what’s important and what isn’t, you’re hardly done.

It can be especially hard to say “no” to the unimportant things that remain urgent. That’s why you need to develop your skill with the art of saying “no” well.

Making a Start in the Art of “No”

“No” can take any number of forms.² But as you’re learning to say it better, you might find some of the following approaches helpful.³

1. Pause to Clarify

Before you say “yes” to something, pause to clarify

1. for yourself what the costs are or might be if you say “yes.” Ask yourself what trade-offs you’ll need to make and whether you think those trade-offs are good.
2. the request you’ve received. The additional information you receive because someone volunteers additional information to fill a pause or answers a clarifying question of yours may help you decide whether the request is something you want to accept, and if not, to craft a better “no.”

In itself, this pause isn’t a definite “no” to this or that request or opportunity. It’s only a “no” to providing a more immediate response. But inside that “no” is also a “yes” to ensuring you give due consideration to whatever request or opportunity lies before you.

One specific example of this pause is to offer to respond after checking your calendar promptly. Doing so relieves the pressure for an immediate response. And particularly if you time block, this pause will allow you to take stock of how full your calendar says your current slate of commitments is.

2. Say “No … But …”

Instead of saying “no” alone, say “no … but ….” This approach can take several forms.

You might use it when something isn’t important now but will be important later. In this case, with “no … but …,” you can communicate that you can’t commit yourself to something in one time frame. But you can commit to but you can at some discrete point in the future.

I say “discrete point” because you want to avoid being disingenuous. “No … but …” shouldn’t imply a future “yes” that you don’t actually intend to follow through on. As Greg McKeown correctly observes,

Being vague is not the same thing as being graceful, and delaying the eventual “no” will only make it that much harder—and the recipient that much more resentful.⁴

Or for something that isn’t going to be important for you (whether now or later), you might use “no … but …” to communicate that you can’t commit in one way but you can in another. For instance, maybe you can’t agree to a request to the full extent asked of you, but you might offer to help in a different way.

Or you might use “no … but …” to communicate that you can’t commit yourself but that you know of someone else who might be able to do so.

3. Highlight the Trade-offs

Highlight the trade-offs of agreeing for the person making the request, and ask whether those trade-offs are worth resolving.

Sometimes, you might receive a request from someone who doesn’t fully understand what the request entails. Once that’s communicated, the request might no longer appear worthwhile. Or the person making the request might think of ways to reduce its trade-offs.

4. Consider Pruning Existing Commitments

Explore the possibility of pruning existing commitments. As you do so, ensure you do right by the individuals impacted by your stepping back. It’s your commitment, so it’s your job to resolve it and not leave someone else in the lurch or feeling like they let you off the hook under duress.

“Resolving” a commitment might include giving significant advance notice of when you intend to step back from it. Or it might mean negotiating an alternative solution that’s just as good or better for the other party.

Of course, it might also mean following through with your prior “yes” to close the book on that commitment. Moving forward, you’ll just want to be more careful about how you make similar commitments in the future.

Conclusion

Saying “no” is never an end in itself. It’s a means to a different end—to protecting the space that you have to give your attention to what matters most. But to that end, saying “no” is an indispensable means.

Without saying “no” in a way that corresponds to and supports the “yes” that you want to say, you’ll find your days filled with the urgent—but not necessarily with the important. And that’s no recipe for maximizing your contribution over the long haul.